I lost my job a few months ago. In an effort to keep myself occupied and also maybe improve my resume, I started volunteering with a friend's organization,Yad HaChazakah, The Strong Hand. They want to empower Orthodox Jews with mental and physical disabilities so they can lead full Jewish lives.
Last week, she let me screen a short film, "A Life With Aspergers", and I was saw it, I was so struck by the imagery, especially the diving helmet on the little boy, that I had to talk about it afterwards.
Since my friend was going to show this and another film that coming Sunday (today!), she asked me to share this with the very small (fifteen at most) audience. I agreed. I've led discussions before, so I knew I could do this.
She asked me to come in again on Thursday to screen the other film, a Swedish film called "It's All About Friends." She also had someone else join us, a woman who headed an organization that I didn't quite get. I knew there was something off because one of the characters clearly had Down Syndrome, and had been identified as mentally handicapped by her father, but this woman thought the character was hard of hearing. And she couldn't see the characters from the inside, only from the pov of the protagonists. This movie, which is Swedish, has several characters who are disabled and played by disabled actors.
I felt intimidated by her and I was worried she'd come to the screening today.
Then this morning, I learned some unpleasant news. I very much want to go to a rock concert (Queen with Adam Lambert!)but the general ticket sales start on Saturday. This hit me hard - I mean it felt like a physical blow. All I could feel was anger and frustration. Rationally - there are several presales, the show is unlikely to sell out so soon PLUS I can afford StubHub AND people offered to buy tickets for me on Saturday - but I wasn't able to process anything rational. In other words, I had a bad meltdown.
This meant yelling at my poor husband, who doesn't like being a target of my frustration AND very much wanted to help but there was nothing he could do. He also doesn't like my Adam Lambert obsession. None of this is unreasonable.
I tried to calm down - knitting, watching a nice sitcom - and I almost managed it, but we had to leave and I pushed it so we left pretty much last minute. We scarfed some fast pizza and got to the place just slightly early.
I thought I was going to arrive at the end of the screening and give my talk. Instead, we arrived (at the time specified) BEFORE the screening. I was to watch the films (again)if I wanted and then do my little talk afterwards. I was nervous, emotionally on edge, at a point where everything irritated me, and worked up to perform and it was delayed. This was not a good thing.
I ended up hiding in my friend's office to play solitaire on my phone, which did help a little. So, as it turned out, was watching the long film again. I knew some of the people in the audience - all friends from my synagogue - and the others were all strangers. Not that woman who intimidated me. So that helped as well. But it was odd, because talking about my neurological condition is very personal, and I wasn't sure which was harder - my friends or the strangers.
I don't know why the film helped, but by the end, I was pretty well relaxed. My friend discussed the long film and then she introduced me to talk about the short one.
I had their attention. They asked interesting questions, they were engaged. They didn't understand why I like rules and am happy I was diagnosed, but they do now. Jon says I was animated and interesting and he was proud of me. My friends hugged me. I had fun. It went as well as I could have dreamed. A very difficult day had a good ending.
